I feel like my depression started in 7th grade. Growing up I got mentally and physically abused from 6th grade to my junior year of high school. Every time I messed something up I always heard "ruining lives since 1997" and things like I'm a mistake, my parents never wanted me, I'm an accident, accidents can't be loved, I'm worthless, I have no friends and the list goes on. At the end of 7th grade to the end of 8th grade I ended up having no friends. It was hard trying to join random crowds hoping somebody would accept me but nobody did. I was bullied a lot at school and would come home crying every day. But when I was at home I didn't know when somebody would be set off and hit me. I tried to get away as much as I could. It was so hard that even my friends I had were against me. Freshman year was a good year for me. I made lots of friends and actually felt wanted at school. Except home life got more difficult. My dad was working a lot more and didn't ever go grocery shopping so I was always starving. I wouldn't eat anything in the morning, go to school where all my "friends" would eat my lunch, Come home starving and the cycle repeated. I did go to my one close friends house all the time and she always made jokes like "Amanda was eating my whole pantry" "all she does is eat". Sophomore-senior year was pretty much hell. My sister became a lot more violent and once again I lost a lot more friends. My parents also got divorced and my dad married the devil. I used to be so close to my dad but she slowly started changing him to his liking. I was always alone and sometimes hid in the bathroom to avoid people and always are lunch alone. Senior year I stated drinking a little. Freshman year of college was when my depression hit really hard. I had a lot of pain from the past so started drinking more often. There were days I had 0 energy and couldn't even get out of bed. I was sobbing in my bed every day having to hide my pain from everyone. I wasn't happy with my mom or dad and every couple weeks would bounce back and forth and sometimes neither of them would want me so I would spend nights in my car. I also didn't feel worthy of food so I wasn't eating much either. My dad went from loving me to not even acknowledging my presence which KILLED me because all I have ever wanted was to be loved. I don't care if we have no money, If I had no new clothes or anything I just wanted to be loved and be never gave that to me. I was just invisible. Around that time I got diagnosed with anorexia and went into recovery about 4 months later. Once I got discharged I wasn't allowed to go to either of my parents so I went to this family I used to nanny for. This is when my depression reached its worst point and I also had anxiety. I would wake up everyday on edge and be like that all day. I couldn't handle even the littlest things like breathing without crying. It got so bad that I didn't even want to be here and that I didn't even know how I'd survive the week. That's when I got admitted into a crisis center for 5 days. They put me on medication which eventually stabled me out and I was honest with my life which helped take some weight off my shoulders in therapy I went back to my moms and stayed there for two weeks then went off to college. About a month ago I felt like God told me to go off the medication which I did and I have been fairly stable since. I continue going to therapy every week and found close friends that I can share important things will. Recovery has been a bumpy path but it's finally getting better. You are not invisible, you are alive.
Amanda 19 years old
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